More than anyone in my life, I loved my mom. I fought for her to live when she had kidney cancer in her good kidney. I fought for her through multiple heart attacks over a 20 year period. I fought for her when she couldn’t fight because she wanted to live, and because I couldn’t bear to lose my best friend.
A week before she died, she decided that she didn’t want to go through dialysis any longer. She could no longer hold her head up to play bridge every week because her back had rounded, and her neck, attacked by arthritis, caused her too much pain. I quit fighting for her life, and fought for her wishes. The day after her last dialysis treatment she died. Before she could have received another life-saving treatment again, she died. She lived up the to the last moment of her potential. I never understood why I didn’t mourn and miss her more than I did until last night.
Friendships come, I am close to them, then they fade or even die, and I don’t mourn. Others I didn’t even know I would miss changed my life completely when they were gone from me, and I never quite recovered. Last night I realized why. I DO struggled greatly over losing some people whom I love. I have fought to keep them close to me in my life against all obstacles as hard as I fought for my mother’s life. Others I let go without a qualm.
Seventeen years ago my husband proposed to me by telling me that he “had potential”. He had suffered many defeats in his life, many reasons for me to doubt his potential. He didn’t hide them from me. I trusted in him, and four months after we met, we married.Last night he reminded me how important potential is to me. When there is potential left in the relationship, and the person leaves me, I mourn what could have been. The more that I believe and visualize in my heart the great potential that our severed relationship left unfulfilled, the more difficulty I have recovering from its loss.
I loved my mom, she gave me life and believed in me. She gave me all she had. She didn’t leave a void in my heart of what might have been. When she died, all she left me were the lovely memories of her love, and my potential.
My prayer and hope for you is that you find your potential. It is there behind the clouds waiting for you. And when you find it, share it with someone who will appreciate it and fight for it with you.